Monday, August 9, 2010

Vampires SUCK Movie Review

It would be easy for me to go on a tirade about Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, two guys who have given us heaping piles of cinematic excrement such as Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie but why should I? Their painfully unfunny films are notorious. It’s clear that these two individuals have thrown things like dignity, self respect, imagination, creativity and ambition out the window a long time ago.  So picking on them would be like beating on a piƱata, while it stupidly stares at you insisting it’s a horse. The time for blaming the creators for these films is gone, now it’s time for something different, now it’s time to blame something else for the success of these horrible movies.

Like an alcoholic hobo festering on the side of the street with a cup for change and a sign that describes his current plight, if you keep giving him money he won’t decide to get up and change his ways. He won’t suddenly decide to take that dollar and invest it in a savings account to eventually get off the streets and stop stinking up the trains where good people ride to work every day. He won’t go to any of the centers that are designed to help homeless people get off the streets and back into a functioning society.

No, if you give a bum money when he asks for it he’ll just keep doing what’s making him money. The real problem are people who keep giving them money. Why should he change when there’s no real motivation for change, his needs are kept for by people who give up their hard earned cash. If this is you then yes the problem here is YOU.  Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have made a disgusting amount of money from people like you, not the people who actually enjoy these movies but you people who go see these films only to complain about it later, you the people who allow curiosity to dish out the price of admission only to claim you walked out half way into the movie on the internet. YOU are the problem

Your curiosity has consistently funded the next film. Now we get Vampires Suck, a parody that is supposed to be based on today’s popular fascination with Twilight. Does twilight really need another parody? If you’re on the internet there have been dozens of parodies already, many of them actually pretty funny.  Do we need to hear another reference for team Jacob or team Edward for the hundredth time?  Friedberg and Seltzer don’t get that the joke is over, it’s been over for a while, yet here we are with an official movie to Parody what’s already been parodied to death.


                                                 It's funny because he's a Werewolf

This time around Friedberg and Seltzer have toned down the amount of random pop culture references that filled their previous films. Vampires Suck is a shot for shot parody that follows the two twilight films. So instead of getting bombarded with pop culture reference after pop culture reference we get about fifteen jokes about teen angst and fifteen more about how ridiculous those pasty vampires look when they shine in the light.  This makes the movie actually pretty boring; it’s like hearing the same joke told a different way by five different people. 

The lineup features the usual ex Mad TV comedians who are surprisingly underutilized in this film.  Those guys have proven there’s no limit to how ridiculous they’ll look for a film but in Vampires Suck there’s nobody impersonating a pop star or a cartoon character or whatever the hell else , only characters in the Twilight film. What I do find hilarious is how some of these characters don’t even have names. Deemed unnecessary, they simple appear and spit out random stupidity then off they go wishing their agent has a nice spot in hell for booking them into this hot mess. Anneliese Van der Pol is the ONLY talented figure amongst the bunch who appears to be making the best out of a bad situation; you might recognize her from That’s So Raven. A stunning talent destined for bigger and better things, let’s hope she gets back on track because even in a movie like this, she shows she is way better than those surrounding her.

                                It's funny because he's putting hot sauce on her before he eats her

I have stated before that you guys deserve better. This style of comedy is lazy and uninspired. There is no thought put behind these random acts of idiocy. They make retarded movies and I mean that in the purest sense of the word for their style of comedy shows a lack of developmental for the audience. For those who pay for this, you join the short bus, you also hold back progress. When guys like this consistently make the worst rated films and keep finding ways to make more of the same type of movies then something is very, very wrong.

I don’t want to hear excuses. I don’t want to hear, “it’s just a stupid comedy meant for you to laugh” or “critics take movies too seriously”. The general idea behind those comments is if people enjoyed it then so what. So, this statement applies to basically anything in life right? If you like having unprotected sex with animals because you like their furry asses then who is to tell you its wrong? If you like to slap jelly on your ass and run around a field while singing Dixie Chicks songs then who am I to tell you that is wrong? But if you sit down, if you really analyze the situation here, you are the joke. Friedberg and Seltzer have built their success around you while giving you their absolute worst.  This isn’t a call to arms, this isn’t me asking you to ban the movie, this is me saying, enough is enough already.

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